Monday, July 7, 2008

The Jack Bauer Facts II

I know, I know. 3 months have gone by and I haven't write the second part of the Jack Bauer Facts like I said, but here they are, the made up ones:

- Mission Impossible is just another way of saying Mission Without Jack Bauer.
- Jack Bauer makes Chuck Norris cry.
- Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice. Jack Bauer would meanwhile do something important.
- Professor Charles Xavier from X-Men once tried to read Jack Bauer's mind. Now he's sitting in a wheel chair.
- If Jack Bauer had been a Spartan the movie would have been called "1".
- There are two hands that can beat a royal flush. Jack Bauer's right hand and Jack Bauer's left hand.
- The city of Los Angeles once named a street after Jack Bauer in gratitude for his saving the city several times. They had to rename it after people kept dying when they tried to cross the street. No one crosses Jack Bauer and lives.
- If Jack Bauer's gun jams, it's because he wanted to beat you with it.
- Once, someone tried to tell Jack Bauer a "knock knock" joke. Jack Bauer found out who was there, who they worked for, and where the bomb was.
- When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack Bauer found it and put it back.
- Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
- Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.
- Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.
- Jack Bauer could strangle you with a cordless phone.
- When someone asks him how his day is going, Jack replies, "Previously, on 24..."
- There is the right way, the wrong way, and the Jack Bauer way. It's basically the right way but faster and more deaths.
- Jack Bauer doesn't speak any foreign languages, but he can make any foreigner speak English in a matter of minutes.
- Superman's only weakness is Kryptonite. Jack Bauer laughs at Superman for having a weakness.
- Kim Bauer was an accident. Not even the pill can stop Jack Bauer.
- When Google can't find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.
- Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you better start doing it.
- Jack Bauer teaches a course at Harvard entitled: "Time Management: Making the Most Out Of Each Day."
- Jack Bauer wasn't born, he was unleashed.
- When Jack Bauer goes to the airport and the metal detector doesn't go off, security gives him a gun.
- Every mathematical inequality officially ends with "< Jack Bauer".
- Sun Tzu once wrote, "If your enemy is weaker, conquer him. If he is stronger, join him. If he is Jack Bauer, you're dead."
- When President Palmer quit to start doing Allstate commercials, it took him 43 takes before he could stop saying, "You're in good hands with Jack Bauer".
- When Batman is in trouble, he turns on the Jack Bauer signal.
- People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer.
- Jack Bauer is the 'i' in team.
- Jack Bauer once tortured and killed a man using only shadow puppets.
- The answer is Jack Bauer, the question doesn't matter.
- Finding Nemo would have been vastly more exciting had Jack Bauer been looking for him.
- G.I. Joe has Jack Bauer action figures.
- Jack Bauer named his cat 'Chuck Norris.' Why? Because He's a pussy.
- Some people see the glass as half full. Others see it as half empty. Jack Bauer see the glass as a deadly weapon.
- Jack Bauer never retreats, he just attacks in the opposite direction.
- There are three leading causes of death among terrorists. The first two are Jack Bauer, and the third one is heart attack from hearing Jack Bauer is coming for them.
- The 2007 budget for the US Military covers Jack Bauer, two pistols and four billion rounds of ammunition.
- Jack Bauer sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
- Jack Bauer doesn't need to eat, sleep, or use the bathroom because his organs are afraid of making him angry.

1 comment:

NazguL2 said...

seguro que a Jack Bauer no se le caduca el nick de IRC